Irritability

Irritability has always been a sign to me that something is going on with my depression. I am not sure when I figured that out, but for the last 5 or so years, I can see it as a red flag. Sometimes, my being irritated, like I am right now by the smell of the overripe banana on my table that I forgot to eat Saturday, is normal. Stupid, smelly banana. But sometimes, I am irritated at everyone for no good reason, or nothing that I normally like to do sounds good to me anymore. I don't want to scrapbook or make cards or read. Everything Jim says or does or doesn't do, makes me see red. (Sometimes this is ACTUALLY based on reality, but most often, it's because I am crazy.)

Those times are when I worry.

The last time it got out of hand, we tried a new anti-depressant because after the irritability came the hopeless thoughts. So far, something like 3 years, that new anti-depressant has been working just fine.

I have noticed more irritability lately, so I have on my counselor hat, analyzing myself. Is this normal irritability? (and by normal, I mean normal Tracie irritability. I mean, most normal people would throw the banana away. Tracie will let it sit there and annoy her.) Am I enjoying my normal activities? Was that a hopeless thought or will the elliptical actually kill me?

Its been several years since I knew I needed outside help to get over the current hurdle my depression had thrown up (ew - that seems like my depression vomited. huh. Maybe that's a good way to think of it.) in my way. But that doesn't mean I don't have CONSTANT VIGILANCE! (nerd alert) to paying attention to how the current path is treating me. I still see a counselor every 3 weeks or so, and feel like this is something I will probably do most of my life. The same with meds.

Jim is home now. Time to see what annoys me.