Said Baby

*Let me preface this blog post by saying, if you do not get my humor, you probably will not like this post.

So if you follow me on Facebook at all, you have probably figured out that I am expecting. Said Baby is due November 9th. The amount of time it took me to come to the decision to have children cannot adequately be covered in one blog post. But let me just note a few things to give you some perspective:

1 - Jim and I will be married 9 years this year.
2 - I am 35.
3 - I have 4 cats.
4 - I have seen a counselor since junior high school.
5 - I am mostly crazy.

I will note that Jim is very excited about Said Baby. (which probably speaks to his own level of crazy, but you already knew that since he IS married to me.) But I on the other hand, am still on the fence about the whole Said Baby "thing". I really thought I would have more time to prepare for being pregnant. I mean, I am OLD - I thought for sure getting pregnant would take a lot longer than two months.

If you aren't familiar with the baggage I have from growing up, you will have to wait for the book. In short, poverty, alcoholism and a dearth of positive parenting role models. If your own mother tells you she wishes she never had you (so that she can go out drinking), it takes a LOT of counseling to overcome the myriad of issues that this causes. Including the pervasive doubt that you should be a parent.

Needless to say, I am fairly positive I will hate being a parent. So, when people post on my Facebook wall or tell me things like, "Oh just wait! You will never sleep past 5am soon!", I want to stab them in the face. IN THE FACE. Really? What was the point of that statement? Was it to make you feel better? Or make me feel worse? Because either way, it doesn't seem helpful. I get that to normal people, this is just passing, idle conversation, which I have never really been good at anyway. But to me, statements like, "Oh you are going to Vegas? Enjoy it because you will not go on vacation again ever!" makes me want to stab them & run away.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Also? Please do not take offense that I occasionally refer to my pregnancy at the Parasite. I referred to Said Baby as the Parasite to a friend, and I think she nearly died from inhaling the wine she was drinking. But seriously, do you KNOW the definition of a parasite?! It’s exactly what a pregnancy is! And it’s not even a symbiotic parasite, as besides putting on weight, I don't get any positive benefits from the relationship. Again, if you don't get my humor, right about now you have unfriended me, and are telling your husband/wife about this completely insensitive person you know who cannot grasp the joy that carrying a child is!

I agree. I probably can't yet. Because I am not yet excited about Said Baby and what he/she will be like when he/she arrives, I don't see the happiness that will come with those changes, but am instead focused on grieving the loss of my life as I know it. (Most normal people are all SQUEE!!! A BABY!!! And therefore don't focus on the loss in their life. But as we have already established, I am not normal people.) My counselor assures me that life has a way of adjusting this when necessary so that I don’t get stabbed in the face. So far, she has been right about a lot of things, so I will have to go with her on faith on this one.

But until then, if you tell me that my life as I know it will end when the baby arrives, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.