Poor Jim. I mean, he had to have known how crazy I was when he married me (although I think my boobs distracted him until it was too late), but now I am crazy AND growing his child. I am sure he is torn between wanting to lock me in a room to contain my crazy and wanting to make sure I continue to grow said baby.
Usually, I am able to keep going (just keep swimming ...) and stay busy enough until I fall asleep to distract myself from my immense feelings of inadequacy and the mourning of my loss of self. But yesterday I was too worn down to do anything but give in. And poor Jim. Crazy pregnant lady cannot express herself well, and in trying to express how I was feeling, mostly ended up hurting Jim's feelings. While I am crazy, hurting other's is not usually my goal. (Unless it involves someone standing in front of me in line unsure of what they want to order when they get to the cashier or when they feel the need to take 5 minutes to count out exact change.) So then crazy pregnant lady realizes that she isn't expressing herself well and is hurting her very supportive partner, which only adds to her feelings of "oh god, I shouldn't have a child", and viola, more crying as crazy pregnant lady realizes the child is doomed by her craziness. Poor Jim.
In short, Jim is now accepting donations of beer (for himself) and a padded room (for me).
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Apparently its OCTOBER
So apparently I still have 6 more weeks of being pregnant. I gotta say, it feels like I have been pregnant forever. In my defense, I have known since like March 5th that I am pregnant, so it has been most of the year. But as I come up to the end of the pregnancy, I get to have panic attacks about the fact that they GIVE YOU A BABY TO TAKE HOME at the end. I mean seriously, did you know that?! THERE IS AN ACTUAL BABY IN THERE & YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT WITH YOU. This was a little close to home today as one of my employee's had her baby today, and I got to go visit them in the hospital to squish the baby and say hi. There was this little human who like 12 hours prior was still INSIDE HER MOM'S BELLY.
That is just BIZARRE.
Logically, I am very intelligent and I understand how mammals have babies, but still. WEIRD. Although, none of you are probably shocked that I feel that way. Obviously, you know me.
My panic moments don't last long, more passing than anything - although I do try to deflect focusing on the panic too much. But besides my feeling uncomfortable in my own physical body because of pregnancy, I am having this other feeling of being uncomfortable in my own being lately. Hard to explain, but something I am paying attention to and noting, nonetheless.
Escapism has always been a theme in my depression, so I shouldn't be surprised that its cropping up in my worry about the Geekling and me. I warned Jim when he wanted to have a child that there was always the possibility that after the baby that I might leave him with the baby and run away. (worst mother ever) When I am really struggling with depression, I often have escapism fantasies about being able to run away and be someone else. (They don't usually last too long as my intelligent brain starts pointing out all the faults in the plan. Stupid brain.) So I am assuming this uncomfortable-in-my-own-being state is related to this.
In other news, did you know its OCTOBER?! WTF. Its Jim and my 9th wedding anniversary this month and his birthday as well. Normally, I am the planner in the relationship and have my gifts planned well in advance. This year? Yeah, not so much. Think he wants some socks? Maybe with a Star Wars theme? Mostly I just want a nap. And to not have to pee during said nap.
That is just BIZARRE.
Logically, I am very intelligent and I understand how mammals have babies, but still. WEIRD. Although, none of you are probably shocked that I feel that way. Obviously, you know me.
My panic moments don't last long, more passing than anything - although I do try to deflect focusing on the panic too much. But besides my feeling uncomfortable in my own physical body because of pregnancy, I am having this other feeling of being uncomfortable in my own being lately. Hard to explain, but something I am paying attention to and noting, nonetheless.
Escapism has always been a theme in my depression, so I shouldn't be surprised that its cropping up in my worry about the Geekling and me. I warned Jim when he wanted to have a child that there was always the possibility that after the baby that I might leave him with the baby and run away. (worst mother ever) When I am really struggling with depression, I often have escapism fantasies about being able to run away and be someone else. (They don't usually last too long as my intelligent brain starts pointing out all the faults in the plan. Stupid brain.) So I am assuming this uncomfortable-in-my-own-being state is related to this.
In other news, did you know its OCTOBER?! WTF. Its Jim and my 9th wedding anniversary this month and his birthday as well. Normally, I am the planner in the relationship and have my gifts planned well in advance. This year? Yeah, not so much. Think he wants some socks? Maybe with a Star Wars theme? Mostly I just want a nap. And to not have to pee during said nap.
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