Apparently its OCTOBER

So apparently I still have 6 more weeks of being pregnant. I gotta say, it feels like I have been pregnant forever. In my defense, I have known since like March 5th that I am pregnant, so it has been most of the year. But as I come up to the end of the pregnancy, I get to have panic attacks about the fact that they GIVE YOU A BABY TO TAKE HOME at the end. I mean seriously, did you know that?! THERE IS AN ACTUAL BABY IN THERE & YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT WITH YOU. This was a little close to home today as one of my employee's had her baby today, and I got to go visit them in the hospital to squish the baby and say hi. There was this little human who like 12 hours prior was still INSIDE HER MOM'S BELLY.

That is just BIZARRE.

Logically, I am very intelligent and I understand how mammals have babies, but still. WEIRD. Although, none of you are probably shocked that I feel that way. Obviously, you know me.

My panic moments don't last long, more passing than anything - although I do try to deflect focusing on the panic too much. But besides my feeling uncomfortable in my own physical body because of pregnancy, I am having this other feeling of being uncomfortable in my own being lately. Hard to explain, but something I am paying attention to and noting, nonetheless.

Escapism has always been a theme in my depression, so I shouldn't be surprised that its cropping up in my worry about the Geekling and me. I warned Jim when he wanted to have a child that there was always the possibility that after the baby that I might leave him with the baby and run away. (worst mother ever) When I am really struggling with depression, I often have escapism fantasies about being able to run away and be someone else. (They don't usually last too long as my intelligent brain starts pointing out all the faults in the plan. Stupid brain.) So I am assuming this uncomfortable-in-my-own-being state is related to this.

In other news, did you know its OCTOBER?! WTF. Its Jim and my 9th wedding anniversary this month and his birthday as well. Normally, I am the planner in the relationship and have my gifts planned well in advance. This year? Yeah, not so much. Think he wants some socks? Maybe with a Star Wars theme? Mostly I just want a nap. And to not have to pee during said nap.