Team Sleep

TWO MONTHS?! I haven't blogged in two months? What the ... Well - just feel lucky that I have at least showered a few times in those two months. :: sniff, sniff :: Well not TODAY, but most days.

I feel so cliche - Charlie is 3 & a half months old now. He seems GIANT. Time goes by so fast. All those things you hear people say are true. (which is probably why they say them) I can say that I already miss the "little" baby days. I go to a weekly breastfeeding support group and when there are babies younger than Charlie there, I ALREADY think - he was never that small! Sigh. I already became that person.

I am happy - actually HAPPY - to say that I have easily fallen into a role that I was sure wouldn't fit me. It feels weird, yet very "normal", that I have slid so smoothly into this new identity. My decision to stay home has been very intuitive so far. I can't imagine doing anything else - even though I NEVER thought of myself as someone who would stay home. Yes, my back hurts from having to carry him around when he doesn't want to be set down and I wish I could just SIT sometimes, but it feels so natural. Huh. There are not many things in my life where I have felt "natural" - most of the time I feel awkward and out of place. So this is something new and exciting for me.

I never worried that I wouldn't love Charlie, but I worried I wouldn't love him the right way. But based on my desire to just hold him when he sleeps, or squish him because he is so cute, or the way my heart breaks when I hear sad stories about children - I feel confident that my love is the right way.

The way stories affect me now is something that has taken me by surprise. TV shows, books, movies with story lines that involve injured or dead children make me feel sick to my stomach. Sure, I have always been disturbed by these things, but the physical response I now have is astonishing. Even just a post I read about how a new mom's mother-in-law proudly tells her that when she brought her son home from the hospital, she put him in his bassinet and vacuumed to cover up his cries because he needed to learn that he couldn't "get away with that sort of thing", makes my stomach lurch and my fists ball.

But the Colbert Report is on now, which means I better go to sleep as Charlie will want to eat in 3-4 hours. If I am lucky. Here's hoping for a 5 hour stretch of sleep! Or 4! GOOO SLEEP! (I am Team Sleep)