Sorry for the lack of blogging. Besides wanting to sleep 10-12 hours a night, I am struggling with not wanting to do the things I normally enjoy doing. (Well, not wanting to do anything at all is more like it.) Normally, pre-parasite if I found myself not wanting to do the things I normally enjoyed, I would schedule an extra appointment with my counselor and be on the look out other depressive signs. But now I am all discombobulated and don't know what to do. I have all my normal depressed signs: feeling tired all the time, not enjoying my normal activities or any activity, irritability and a general feeling of discontent. (Not having any suicidal thoughts, mind you, but generally I can sense when something is going the wrong way and right the ship before it gets too far off course.) But oddly enough, many of these "symptoms" are also "symptoms"of pregnancy. (Read into that what you will.)
So instead I feel like I am stuck feeling unmotivated to create, read a book or even just watch TV. I have a vacation planned to Vegas next week with Jim and some friends, and I am GREATLY looking forward to that since I haven't had a week off to do nothing but relax in over a year. (I don't actually have any vacation or paid time off from my job, but there was a glitch in the system with some unpaid overtime, so I traded it for some vacation time. THANK GOD.) So I am hoping that a week off to relax with help "reset" my general feeling of being wrong. (I love finding the perfect word to describe a feeling or a sight or an event, but the perfect word is eluding me here.)
In the mean time, I do the things I have to do (go to work, do my treasurer duties for the animal rescue, clean stuff around the house, feed 4-legged children, walk the foster dog, eat mostly healthy things), but I feel like I am faking my way through the day. And I am tired of feeling off my game. Tired of not having the energy to enjoy what I am doing. Tired of faking my way through the waking hours of the day, only to have nightmares while sleeping.
And while reading this, apparently I am too tired to be my normal funny self.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Said Baby
*Let me preface this blog post by saying, if you do not get my humor, you probably will not like this post.
So if you follow me on Facebook at all, you have probably figured out that I am expecting. Said Baby is due November 9th. The amount of time it took me to come to the decision to have children cannot adequately be covered in one blog post. But let me just note a few things to give you some perspective:
1 - Jim and I will be married 9 years this year.
2 - I am 35.
3 - I have 4 cats.
4 - I have seen a counselor since junior high school.
5 - I am mostly crazy.
I will note that Jim is very excited about Said Baby. (which probably speaks to his own level of crazy, but you already knew that since he IS married to me.) But I on the other hand, am still on the fence about the whole Said Baby "thing". I really thought I would have more time to prepare for being pregnant. I mean, I am OLD - I thought for sure getting pregnant would take a lot longer than two months.
If you aren't familiar with the baggage I have from growing up, you will have to wait for the book. In short, poverty, alcoholism and a dearth of positive parenting role models. If your own mother tells you she wishes she never had you (so that she can go out drinking), it takes a LOT of counseling to overcome the myriad of issues that this causes. Including the pervasive doubt that you should be a parent.
Needless to say, I am fairly positive I will hate being a parent. So, when people post on my Facebook wall or tell me things like, "Oh just wait! You will never sleep past 5am soon!", I want to stab them in the face. IN THE FACE. Really? What was the point of that statement? Was it to make you feel better? Or make me feel worse? Because either way, it doesn't seem helpful. I get that to normal people, this is just passing, idle conversation, which I have never really been good at anyway. But to me, statements like, "Oh you are going to Vegas? Enjoy it because you will not go on vacation again ever!" makes me want to stab them & run away.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Also? Please do not take offense that I occasionally refer to my pregnancy at the Parasite. I referred to Said Baby as the Parasite to a friend, and I think she nearly died from inhaling the wine she was drinking. But seriously, do you KNOW the definition of a parasite?! It’s exactly what a pregnancy is! And it’s not even a symbiotic parasite, as besides putting on weight, I don't get any positive benefits from the relationship. Again, if you don't get my humor, right about now you have unfriended me, and are telling your husband/wife about this completely insensitive person you know who cannot grasp the joy that carrying a child is!
I agree. I probably can't yet. Because I am not yet excited about Said Baby and what he/she will be like when he/she arrives, I don't see the happiness that will come with those changes, but am instead focused on grieving the loss of my life as I know it. (Most normal people are all SQUEE!!! A BABY!!! And therefore don't focus on the loss in their life. But as we have already established, I am not normal people.) My counselor assures me that life has a way of adjusting this when necessary so that I don’t get stabbed in the face. So far, she has been right about a lot of things, so I will have to go with her on faith on this one.
But until then, if you tell me that my life as I know it will end when the baby arrives, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Jinx
Note to self:
Do NOT EVER say you are pee-free. The very next day after my last post, we had pee. And again yesterday. I totally jinxed it. Completely perplexed as to WHY. So the cats have lost access to a couple of rooms in the house. (Although Big Mo again sprayed a closet door near the entrance to the garage, and there is no way to block him from that area, but at least its a hard surface that easy to clean.)
I do love my cats (As Mama Squeaks repeatedly walks between me and the laptop, putting her butt in my face.), but I can't figure out what else to do. My guess is that it's Roxy just getting older (she is 11 this year), and since she has never liked other cats, or people for that matter, she likes to show her displeasure by peeing on my bathroom rug. And Big Mo then needs to show he is the alpha cat in the house by peeing where he can smell her pee. Its a vicious pee cycle. Roxy should probably be an only cat in a quiet household, but here we are.
Between working and cat pee, the rest of my time is split between my hobbies (reading, scrapbooking, jewelry & card making) and my volunteer work - mainly with one local animal rescue, Orphan Animal Rescue. I am their treasurer, besides being a foster home, open hours adoption counselor & general volunteer. But as the treasurer, I can't help but stress over donations. It is amazing what we do take in, but as I am the one that knows what we need to spend on medical care and facilities, I cannot help but stress. I know $80 for a kitten or $50 for a cat may seem like a lot to an adopter, but those fees do not even come close to what it costs to get them healthy, up to date on shots, fed & warm. And save for ONE paid 15-hour a week volunteer coordinator to help keep everything running, we do it ALL with volunteers. Crazy. That's 2 AM and 2 PM cleaning volunteers, 7 days a week, 365 days a year to clean the center. Foster homes to take in sick kitties, doggies, new mamas & kittens. Event volunteers. Open hours volunteers. Fundraising volunteers. Volunteers to process adoption applications. Volunteers to write thank yous. Volunteers for special projects. Oh - and volunteer board members.
If I spend too much time thinking about how all of that magically comes together, my brain hurts. In fact, I think some leaked out of my ear just now from making sure I didn't miss anyone.
So I better get back to trying how to figure out how to increase fundraising so that all the gears can keep moving smoothly. Or possibily I should eat some pie to keep my energy up. Pie always helps.
PS - if you want to donate, our website is orphananimalrescue.org and we are also on FB. So many little ways you can donate too - even just by using GoodSearch while browsing the web, or iGive when shopping online. The kitties and doggies thank you with many purrs and kisses.
Do NOT EVER say you are pee-free. The very next day after my last post, we had pee. And again yesterday. I totally jinxed it. Completely perplexed as to WHY. So the cats have lost access to a couple of rooms in the house. (Although Big Mo again sprayed a closet door near the entrance to the garage, and there is no way to block him from that area, but at least its a hard surface that easy to clean.)
I do love my cats (As Mama Squeaks repeatedly walks between me and the laptop, putting her butt in my face.), but I can't figure out what else to do. My guess is that it's Roxy just getting older (she is 11 this year), and since she has never liked other cats, or people for that matter, she likes to show her displeasure by peeing on my bathroom rug. And Big Mo then needs to show he is the alpha cat in the house by peeing where he can smell her pee. Its a vicious pee cycle. Roxy should probably be an only cat in a quiet household, but here we are.
Between working and cat pee, the rest of my time is split between my hobbies (reading, scrapbooking, jewelry & card making) and my volunteer work - mainly with one local animal rescue, Orphan Animal Rescue. I am their treasurer, besides being a foster home, open hours adoption counselor & general volunteer. But as the treasurer, I can't help but stress over donations. It is amazing what we do take in, but as I am the one that knows what we need to spend on medical care and facilities, I cannot help but stress. I know $80 for a kitten or $50 for a cat may seem like a lot to an adopter, but those fees do not even come close to what it costs to get them healthy, up to date on shots, fed & warm. And save for ONE paid 15-hour a week volunteer coordinator to help keep everything running, we do it ALL with volunteers. Crazy. That's 2 AM and 2 PM cleaning volunteers, 7 days a week, 365 days a year to clean the center. Foster homes to take in sick kitties, doggies, new mamas & kittens. Event volunteers. Open hours volunteers. Fundraising volunteers. Volunteers to process adoption applications. Volunteers to write thank yous. Volunteers for special projects. Oh - and volunteer board members.
If I spend too much time thinking about how all of that magically comes together, my brain hurts. In fact, I think some leaked out of my ear just now from making sure I didn't miss anyone.
So I better get back to trying how to figure out how to increase fundraising so that all the gears can keep moving smoothly. Or possibily I should eat some pie to keep my energy up. Pie always helps.
PS - if you want to donate, our website is orphananimalrescue.org and we are also on FB. So many little ways you can donate too - even just by using GoodSearch while browsing the web, or iGive when shopping online. The kitties and doggies thank you with many purrs and kisses.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Baby Got Back
I am happy to report that things on the cat-front have been PEE-FREE! We are still giving Big Mo a half a pill once a day, but we are hoping that we can stop that and things will remain dry.
Because of all the pee issues, I never got to share that I got a new car! Getting my first Mini Cooper was a dream of mine. I got Tiny just a couple of months before my 30th birthday, and boy was she a step up from my first car that I was selling to get her. With Tiny came power windows! And AC! And power steering! And cruise control! All things I greatly wished I had had when I drove from OK to NJ one summer (and then back again that same summer) ... Think sun burn on just the left side of my body, with ground in interstate dirt in my hair. Hot stuff.
I got a Mini Cooper Clubman this time around. I had been wanting to upgrade to this slightly larger model for a while, and had been keeping an eye on rates. The dealer in town was running $3000 off 2011 models and they even had one on the lot that I liked. The only thing I didn't love was that it was black. I do love me some of the original colors that Mini's have. BUT - I could get custom graphics, and black was a great background for that. So my new car, Baby Got Back, became mine. The first couple of weeks were so weird - just like I remembered from when I got Tiny and my very first car too. Like I couldn't believe I was so lucky.
Having grown up in poverty, with mostly unreliable cars and constant fears of them breaking down and not having the money to repair them, I have only purchased new cars with good warranties. Even though I make very different life choices than my parents, and Jim and I do not live in poverty or anything like it, I cannot seem to break free from this mentality. So I save up lots of money to get low car payments, so that I can buy a new car. Now, I know lots of people disagree with that. But the security I get from having a 7 year (or more) warranty on my car, makes me feel like its taken care of even after I own it outright.
Oh, and the custom graphics? We put on silver stripes over the black, on the hood, roof and down the back of the car. And put the number, 01, in lavender, in a racecar-like circle on both the passenger and driver side doors. The bad news is I don't blend in well, which makes my road rage harder to hide. But the good news is ITS AMAZEBALLS!
Because of all the pee issues, I never got to share that I got a new car! Getting my first Mini Cooper was a dream of mine. I got Tiny just a couple of months before my 30th birthday, and boy was she a step up from my first car that I was selling to get her. With Tiny came power windows! And AC! And power steering! And cruise control! All things I greatly wished I had had when I drove from OK to NJ one summer (and then back again that same summer) ... Think sun burn on just the left side of my body, with ground in interstate dirt in my hair. Hot stuff.
I got a Mini Cooper Clubman this time around. I had been wanting to upgrade to this slightly larger model for a while, and had been keeping an eye on rates. The dealer in town was running $3000 off 2011 models and they even had one on the lot that I liked. The only thing I didn't love was that it was black. I do love me some of the original colors that Mini's have. BUT - I could get custom graphics, and black was a great background for that. So my new car, Baby Got Back, became mine. The first couple of weeks were so weird - just like I remembered from when I got Tiny and my very first car too. Like I couldn't believe I was so lucky.
Having grown up in poverty, with mostly unreliable cars and constant fears of them breaking down and not having the money to repair them, I have only purchased new cars with good warranties. Even though I make very different life choices than my parents, and Jim and I do not live in poverty or anything like it, I cannot seem to break free from this mentality. So I save up lots of money to get low car payments, so that I can buy a new car. Now, I know lots of people disagree with that. But the security I get from having a 7 year (or more) warranty on my car, makes me feel like its taken care of even after I own it outright.
Oh, and the custom graphics? We put on silver stripes over the black, on the hood, roof and down the back of the car. And put the number, 01, in lavender, in a racecar-like circle on both the passenger and driver side doors. The bad news is I don't blend in well, which makes my road rage harder to hide. But the good news is ITS AMAZEBALLS!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Cat-capades on Moen Menagerie, now on Animal Planet
Last time, on Animal Planet's Moen Menagerie, we were devastated by the loss of the newborn foster kittens, all five who passed less than a week after they were born. Since then, Mama Mia has moved to a new foster home and is continuing to get healthier every day. Roxy went back to the vet for an ultrasound after her UTI came back. She is all healthy now and has stopped peeing on Tracie's work clothes. But Hercules and Moises have put together excellent challenges to Tracie & Jim's carpet and willpower to live. Hercules has vomited no less than five times in a week and half, including on their bed while they slept. And Moises, for reasons yet undetermined, after 6 years of living with the Moen Menagerie, started spraying in several spots around the house. Moises has yet to earn the trust back from his keeper's and is on limited mobility within the household of the Menagerie. There have been no more incidents of spraying, but Moises is not allowed to wander the house alone and is closed into the Man Cave during the work day and at night. Sadly, until Moises' issues are under control there will be no new foster cat adventures on Moen Menagerie.
As you may have picked up from that Cat-capades update, the last couple of weeks have been exhausting as we clean, clean and clean again around the house and I question my sanity - well, question my insanity - as I consider what I was thinking when I thought four cats would be awesome. (mostly I thought SQUEEE!! FUZZY!!! WANT!!!) Although Moises is trying his darnest to get back into our good graces (as he crawls into my lap as I type this). But its a bit like having a puppy that isn't house trained. One of you always has to be with the puppy when he isn't in his crate. Or in our case, one of us always has a cat sitting in our lap so we know where he is. Which is very comfortable for Big Mo, but bad for my productivity.
Although Jim and I have long had a "cat" rule. When one of us has a cat on our lap, we can call, "Cat!" and the other person has to get the person with the cat whatever it is they need - ok, want. Like right now - me: Cat!
Jim: What do you need?
Me: Ice water.
Jim: Extra cold?
Me: Yes, please.
I highly recommend the Cat rule.
As you may have picked up from that Cat-capades update, the last couple of weeks have been exhausting as we clean, clean and clean again around the house and I question my sanity - well, question my insanity - as I consider what I was thinking when I thought four cats would be awesome. (mostly I thought SQUEEE!! FUZZY!!! WANT!!!) Although Moises is trying his darnest to get back into our good graces (as he crawls into my lap as I type this). But its a bit like having a puppy that isn't house trained. One of you always has to be with the puppy when he isn't in his crate. Or in our case, one of us always has a cat sitting in our lap so we know where he is. Which is very comfortable for Big Mo, but bad for my productivity.
Although Jim and I have long had a "cat" rule. When one of us has a cat on our lap, we can call, "Cat!" and the other person has to get the person with the cat whatever it is they need - ok, want. Like right now - me: Cat!
Jim: What do you need?
Me: Ice water.
Jim: Extra cold?
Me: Yes, please.
I highly recommend the Cat rule.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Rollercoster of a week
Sorry. I really meant to do one blog a week. So that is already off to a magnificent start.
In cat world: We found out my foster cat Lizbeth had some sort of mass. Maybe cancer. Maybe just full of poo. Saw another vet. During her spay, found out that THREE vets were wrong and she WAS pregnant, but as she had already been put under anesthesia & given a distemper vaccination (which caused birth defects), the kittens were gone. So it was a sad happy day. Happy she didn't have cancer. Sad that she was pregnant and it was missed by so many doctors. But happy again that her spay went well and she can be put up adoption. So Lizbeth is getting ready for her formal reveal, if you will, for adoption.
So because Lizbeth is ready for her next step, and kitten season is starting, I took in a new pregnant kitty to foster. Her name is mama Mia. I got her Wednesday - she was very scared. Didn't even come out of the boxes in the room for me. We knew she was close to going into labor, so I had a variety of boxes for her to choose from. And on Saturday, she choose a nice large dog crate, lined with many blankets and covered with another for more privacy. Which was great for me because I could see into it better than the boxes! So I got to see her give birth to 5 kittens! Well I missed the first one but only by a minute or two! It seemed that her labor went relatively easy for her so that was a relief for me. Even though just a kitten still herself, she did a great job. Taking some quick cat naps - ha! - when she could between babies. We have 4 grey and 1 black kittens now, and so far everyone is doing well. And since they were born on St Patty's Day, I am going to name them all Irish names! Still working on that though.
All of this was going on while one of my personal cats, Roxy, had her UTI come back with a vengeance. You know, the first thing you want to see at 5:02am as you get ready for work, is your cat peeing on your work pants. So fluids, meds and spending time our bathroom were in order for her. And then, if that weren't enough, one of my male cats, Big Mo, decided to act out by peeing in one bathroom and on the door to the room where she was ... >< Those are stabby eyes. So he also spent some quality time alone.
Is that enough for cat world in a week?! I hope so.
I saved this post last night and this morning, my heart broke as I found two of the kittens had passed away overnight. After I went to work, my husband said another did as well. Right now there are only two kittens left, one grey, one black, and the black one seems very weak and we are worried about fading kitten syndrome. I kept busy at work today, but if I had a moment where I had to think, my stomach just balled up and my brain raced back to holding the tiny, tiny creatures in my hands this morning. So many tears. I know I am so grateful that they and Mama Mia had a warm, safe place to be born & give birth but being helpless as you watch Mother Nature do what she needs to do is devastating. I knew the risk was great as Mama Mia had no care during her pregnancy and is very underweight - only 7 lbs when pregnant! - but no matter how much I remind myself of that, my throat closes, tears well up and I want to shake my fists in frustration at all the things I cannot do.
Losing kittens, sadly these were not my first, just the youngest, won't make me stop fostering or stop caring, but I do allow myself the time to grieve and remember that even for a short time, I gave them, and all my fosters, the best chance I could with all the love and then some that I had to give.
In cat world: We found out my foster cat Lizbeth had some sort of mass. Maybe cancer. Maybe just full of poo. Saw another vet. During her spay, found out that THREE vets were wrong and she WAS pregnant, but as she had already been put under anesthesia & given a distemper vaccination (which caused birth defects), the kittens were gone. So it was a sad happy day. Happy she didn't have cancer. Sad that she was pregnant and it was missed by so many doctors. But happy again that her spay went well and she can be put up adoption. So Lizbeth is getting ready for her formal reveal, if you will, for adoption.
So because Lizbeth is ready for her next step, and kitten season is starting, I took in a new pregnant kitty to foster. Her name is mama Mia. I got her Wednesday - she was very scared. Didn't even come out of the boxes in the room for me. We knew she was close to going into labor, so I had a variety of boxes for her to choose from. And on Saturday, she choose a nice large dog crate, lined with many blankets and covered with another for more privacy. Which was great for me because I could see into it better than the boxes! So I got to see her give birth to 5 kittens! Well I missed the first one but only by a minute or two! It seemed that her labor went relatively easy for her so that was a relief for me. Even though just a kitten still herself, she did a great job. Taking some quick cat naps - ha! - when she could between babies. We have 4 grey and 1 black kittens now, and so far everyone is doing well. And since they were born on St Patty's Day, I am going to name them all Irish names! Still working on that though.
All of this was going on while one of my personal cats, Roxy, had her UTI come back with a vengeance. You know, the first thing you want to see at 5:02am as you get ready for work, is your cat peeing on your work pants. So fluids, meds and spending time our bathroom were in order for her. And then, if that weren't enough, one of my male cats, Big Mo, decided to act out by peeing in one bathroom and on the door to the room where she was ... >< Those are stabby eyes. So he also spent some quality time alone.
Is that enough for cat world in a week?! I hope so.
I saved this post last night and this morning, my heart broke as I found two of the kittens had passed away overnight. After I went to work, my husband said another did as well. Right now there are only two kittens left, one grey, one black, and the black one seems very weak and we are worried about fading kitten syndrome. I kept busy at work today, but if I had a moment where I had to think, my stomach just balled up and my brain raced back to holding the tiny, tiny creatures in my hands this morning. So many tears. I know I am so grateful that they and Mama Mia had a warm, safe place to be born & give birth but being helpless as you watch Mother Nature do what she needs to do is devastating. I knew the risk was great as Mama Mia had no care during her pregnancy and is very underweight - only 7 lbs when pregnant! - but no matter how much I remind myself of that, my throat closes, tears well up and I want to shake my fists in frustration at all the things I cannot do.
Losing kittens, sadly these were not my first, just the youngest, won't make me stop fostering or stop caring, but I do allow myself the time to grieve and remember that even for a short time, I gave them, and all my fosters, the best chance I could with all the love and then some that I had to give.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Irritability
Irritability has always been a sign to me that something is going on with my depression. I am not sure when I figured that out, but for the last 5 or so years, I can see it as a red flag. Sometimes, my being irritated, like I am right now by the smell of the overripe banana on my table that I forgot to eat Saturday, is normal. Stupid, smelly banana. But sometimes, I am irritated at everyone for no good reason, or nothing that I normally like to do sounds good to me anymore. I don't want to scrapbook or make cards or read. Everything Jim says or does or doesn't do, makes me see red. (Sometimes this is ACTUALLY based on reality, but most often, it's because I am crazy.)
Those times are when I worry.
The last time it got out of hand, we tried a new anti-depressant because after the irritability came the hopeless thoughts. So far, something like 3 years, that new anti-depressant has been working just fine.
I have noticed more irritability lately, so I have on my counselor hat, analyzing myself. Is this normal irritability? (and by normal, I mean normal Tracie irritability. I mean, most normal people would throw the banana away. Tracie will let it sit there and annoy her.) Am I enjoying my normal activities? Was that a hopeless thought or will the elliptical actually kill me?
Its been several years since I knew I needed outside help to get over the current hurdle my depression had thrown up (ew - that seems like my depression vomited. huh. Maybe that's a good way to think of it.) in my way. But that doesn't mean I don't have CONSTANT VIGILANCE! (nerd alert) to paying attention to how the current path is treating me. I still see a counselor every 3 weeks or so, and feel like this is something I will probably do most of my life. The same with meds.
Jim is home now. Time to see what annoys me.
Those times are when I worry.
The last time it got out of hand, we tried a new anti-depressant because after the irritability came the hopeless thoughts. So far, something like 3 years, that new anti-depressant has been working just fine.
I have noticed more irritability lately, so I have on my counselor hat, analyzing myself. Is this normal irritability? (and by normal, I mean normal Tracie irritability. I mean, most normal people would throw the banana away. Tracie will let it sit there and annoy her.) Am I enjoying my normal activities? Was that a hopeless thought or will the elliptical actually kill me?
Its been several years since I knew I needed outside help to get over the current hurdle my depression had thrown up (ew - that seems like my depression vomited. huh. Maybe that's a good way to think of it.) in my way. But that doesn't mean I don't have CONSTANT VIGILANCE! (nerd alert) to paying attention to how the current path is treating me. I still see a counselor every 3 weeks or so, and feel like this is something I will probably do most of my life. The same with meds.
Jim is home now. Time to see what annoys me.
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